Care homes: Dealing with your emotions

Advice and practical tips for carers on dealing with emotions when moving a person with dementia to a care home.

Tips for carers: Dealing with your emotions

• Remember, there is no right or wrong way to feel. You will experience your own feelings in your own way.
• Whatever you decide, you are doing what you think is best for the person.
• If you decide the person does need to move into a care home, remind yourself that they will be getting the care they need to help them to live well.
• Accept that you are human and there is only so much you can do. The person would want you to take care of yourself as well.
• You don’t stop being a carer just because you no longer do the practical day-to-day tasks. You will still be able to be involved in the person’s care if you want to be.
• Talking to other people who are going through, or have been through the same thing can help. It may help you to know that what you’re feeling is normal, and to hear from others about how they dealt with this difficult situation.
• Talking Point, our online community, is a good place to share your experiences and talk to people in a similar situation.

After the person has moved into a care home

Once the person has moved, you may feel a strong sense of loss – not just of the person, but also your relationship with them, your role as a carer and your plans for the future. These feelings can be very strong if the person with dementia is your partner or has been living with you. You may feel that you have lost your sense of purpose. You might be unsure what role you will play in the person’s care. It can take time to adjust.

You may miss the person and find yourself struggling to know what to do now that you are no longer responsible for their day-to-day care. Building a good relationship with the care home can help with this. You may feel lonely and isolated at home without them, and find it difficult to find a new role for yourself, or to pick up past interests or relationships. It is okay to feel like this, and in time it may start to get easier.

You may feel guilty about the situation or that you have let the person down. You may feel that you should be able to do more or cope better. You may worry about how the person will settle in, and whether the care they receive will be good enough. These feelings can be complicated if your family or culture has strong views on how people should be cared for, or if other people disagree with the decision. All of this may contribute to increased feelings of guilt and sadness, even if you know the decision was in the person’s best interests.

You may also experience more positive feelings as well. You might be relieved that the person is getting the care they need and that they are safe. You may feel relieved that you are able to take care of yourself and focus on your needs or on those of other people in your life.

It is important to know that these feelings are all normal, and lots of other carers and family members feel the same. The following tips may help.